Happy for You, Sad for Me
Hello! New here? Welcome! Check out my Introduction first.
It’s Monday, which means NEW POST! It’s also when I check my author email. You know, the one attached to all the queries? Logged in to… a rejection, which isn’t the best way to start the day, but at least it’s over with.
Ever hear that saying about eating the frog first? You deal with the thing you dread ASAP so it isn’t staring you in the face like, well, a frog. That’s the method. Get it done, then I’m not thinking about it all dang day.
(Gif of Kermit the frog... yeah, I'll eat you too!)
Which brings me into the post. In this Journey Of Figuring It Out (new blog title? Maybe? Dalton came up with it and it rings so true), online communities like Twitter can be amazing…and a bit gloomy.
Seeing amazing writers find their champion agents, go on submission, secure a publisher, or successfully dive into indie/self-pub are great accomplishments. Those things should be posted with all the sparkles and vague publishing tweets. I’m excited for you, I really am! It helps me see the other side, to have hope that our turn is coming.
(Gif of Pam from the Office cheering, but actually live footage of me rooting for my fellow writers)
But while I am happy for you, I’m also sad for me. And that is okay. It really is. In fact, it should be normalized. My sadness for myself doesn’t negate your accomplishments nor my happiness for you. Both are allowed to coexist.
Querying is hard. Putting work out there that is essentially your soul on paper and being told variations of no (“Sorry, it's a pass for me.” “This isn’t the right fit for my list.” “I didn’t really connect with X.”)...it sucks. It really does. It’s hard not to take it personally. It’s harder when it’s an agent you think could really enjoy your manuscript and that you’d work well together.
(Gif, "It's tough out here" yeah...no kidding.)
So, what can we do to make it easier on ourselves? Allow yourself to be sad. Stuffing in your emotions and plastering on a smile isn’t going to help you. It’s only going to build up like bile, rising until eventually it’ll burn your throat and you’ll lash out unintentionally. I’ve seen tweets of jealousy, of envy, and it's never good. But does this give us license to mope and plaster our woes all over social media? Of course not. There are healthy ways to process disappointment that gives you the space to be sad for you and happy for others. Here are a few:
Mute those you follow temporarily.
If someone is sharing their success, congratulate them! Be happy for them! But as I said in my initial tweet, it’s okay to mute them afterwards to protect your mental health. It’s temporary–take the time you need to be sad for you, then unmute to continue cheering them on!
Disengage from social media
Sometimes we need a tech detox. Let your followers know. Log out of your socials. Put on a timed block through your browser. Take however much time you need. I think there’s a lot of pressure in this industry to make a following before your debut, which is terribly unrealistic. Give yourself the space to exist outside of the screen.
Find a project
I’ve seen some amazing “Rejection” projects: sticker collections, painted rocks, painting a fence with flowers, marble collections, baking, etc. Find something that makes you happy and for every rejection, go to your project. Be careful, it shouldn’t become a chore or something to dread (maybe you need a different way to process). But finding a bit of joy in the process can help reestablish confidence.
Commission fanart
One of my beta readers told me they commissioned some art for their querying novel. That way, they are excited to check their email for another reason. Not only is this a great way to divert your attention, but also to continue to hold excitement over your manuscript! Querying can make you doubt your work; art commissions can help keep the joy.
Establish boundaries
This ties into what I’ve said about social media, but it continues into your email. Try to have your author email or Query Tracker only accessible on your computer, not your phone.
Choose community
Querying can be an isolating process. Make sure you have a writing buddy or two that you can vent to. Make it someone who has read your manuscript and will shower you with praise and admiration. We all need a cheerleader in our corner.
(Gif of Jason Momoa being...himself. He believes in you!)
You can be happy for others, and sad for you. Take care of your mental health, and rest in the fact that you wrote a whole book. Not many can say that. You are determined. You have a whole world inside you, if not more. You can do hard things.
Need a cheerleader? Give me a follow!
